Dear Corona Virus, the Dogs and I Need Haircuts

By Daniel Guss

@TheGussReport – Once I got the handle on how to keep my local family members relatively safe during the Corona Virus, or COVID19, outbreak earthquake, I would describe the experience as more of an inconvenience than much of anything else in our households.

In fact, there are laughs and other curious observations to be had if you know where to look and don’t let all of the death and unemployment get to you.

Early on, when I tried to describe the apocalyptic conditions in the supermarket to my up-in-years mom, I asked her to make a list of everything she needs, from the infamous paper products to prescriptions or anything else from the supermarket.

When I called the next day to see how the list was coming along, my nonplussed mom replied with “I need lemons.”

“Lemons, mom?”

“But don’t buy more than two; they don’t stay around long.”

Clearly, I had my work cut out, but convinced her to try the real lemon juice in the fake yellow plastic containers from Italy.  It was a winner!  She loves it!  See?  Some things are better during COVID-19!

“Thank you, Corona Virus!” said nobody ever before right now.

After a few weeks, I accomplished all of the spring cleaning, separating of clothing for donation, curbing all of the exercise equipment that I bought but never should have and laid claim to having bought more Bounty, Charmin, Lysol wipes, the other (i.e. flushable) wipes and every other cleaning supply you can imagine – to a remarkably successful degree – with great thanks to Target and Ralphs for overcoming supply chain chaos sooner, more consistently and better than all other retailers (do you hear me, Costco and CVS?).  I loaded up the various relatives’ residences and took on another nagging task; what to do with the similar but not-as-good products bought earlier in semi-desperation?

You know…..that toilet tissue made from bamboo, my original output of homemade hand-sanitizer and isopropyl alcohol 70%.

Well, that turned out okay, too, since I gave away all of the sub-standard but completely usable product.  Usable, except for the bamboo toilet tissue.  I had to pay someone to take that off of my hands. I didn’t have to try it to know we would regret doing so.  Everything else was given away to the housekeeper, a very nice homeless man who a recently departed rescue dog of ours adored; and other people from neighbors to those who do our repairs, et al.

But wait, why would anyone give away our precious and very hard to find isopropyl alcohol 70%?

Well, it’s not as magnanimous as one might think.  It’s just that I eventually tracked down isopropyl alcohol…..91%.   What, you expect me to part with THAT? 

Heck no! Come on, now…..

That said, the goods all went to valued friends and nothing was charged for it. So there.

But as other parts of the country start to cautiously open up, while LA and California stay under the tepid collective thumb of our local elected officials, I am at the point where (despite being a life-long news junky) I am desperate for something else to watch, like otherwise tedious Major League Baseball. I love it in person, but unless the teams are good, it’s a chore to watch any of it before the 7th inning.  Truth be told, I’m almost at the point where I don’t even need the beloved Dodgers and Red Sox or dastardly San Francisco Giants or New York Chumpees. I’m (almost) at the point where I’d watch teams that I would otherwise refuse to watch even in the World Series, like the Minnesota Twins and Texas Rangers.  Or the Tampa Bay Rays versus insert-name-of-almost-any-other-suck-assed-loser team.  But in this pandemic era, let’s all get beer and nachos and watch each other watching baseball on Zoom.

But on a serious note, the rescue dogs and I really need haircuts.  And they need a good coloring, as the grey hair is becoming the majority follicle on my – I mean their – coats.

It seems to me that if the dogs and their groomer practice safe social distancing and use proper protective equipment, there’s no reason why Governor Newsom, el señor Garcetti and the LA County Board of Supervisors can’t make that happen. The only problem is that President Trump would be in favor of that, and at times that seems to be the only reason why our local officials won’t let us live, let live and get our sorry asses cleaned up a bit.

But as former LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa once said, “this tutu shall pass.”

I don’t know if Villaraigosa ever said that, but it sounds like something he probably would.

And as LA already knows too well, even the former Mayor, like our current one, is right at least twice a day.  Just like the proverbial broken clock.

Hope I managed to get you to laugh a little today.

You take care now and stay safe.  This, too, shall pass.

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